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The importing of Canadian softwood lumber into the United States remains the single largest point of contention between these two nations.

Government officials on both sides of the issue are exercising caution with their soundbites but as the dispute rages on, other folks more directly affected by the dispute aren't mincing words.

Billy-Bob "Skeeter" Landreth, a veteran Kentucky woodsman, called the recent tentative agreement between the two countries "limp-noodled" in a LaughJournal interview. Furthermore, he accused U.S. officials of being "dickless," telling fellow patrons at his local moonshine parlor that the government couldn't "get it up" in their negotiations with Canada.

Pierre LaFondue, a Montreal-based trade analyst, likewise had harsh words for Canadian politicians. In his opinion, the Ministry of Natural Resources has been "firing blanks" throughout the negotiations and the results to date for Canada's lumber industry have been "flaccid." Meanwhile, Tyler "Starshine" Robertson, a hash dealer in the lower mainland of British Columbia, agreed the shirking of responsibility in resolving the matter is akin to "what happens when you jump out of a cold shower."

In New York, international trade expert Ivan Twandolla accused both sides of "pathetic shrinkage" in defending the economic interests of their respective countries. However, Twandolla blamed the arbitrators' timid performance on the long, wearying process that comes with grinding out a deal.

"The negotiators reached their peak during the initial, or ‘early morning' phase of the dispute," Twandolla argued. "But at this stage, both sides have just given up and decided to turn in. They've gone soft."

When asked for his view on the softwood lumber dispute, erectile dysfunction expert Dr. Richard Smallpecker thought that both sides should exercise restraint, and stop "jerking it around" so much.

"Obviously, these negotiators have been under a lot of stress, making it hard, so to speak, to perform their civic duties," opined Dr. Smallpecker. "It's no surprise they're having so much trouble resolving this softwood thing."

Asked if he would prescribe a solution to the dispute, Dr. Smallwood merely shrugged, saying, "I dunno — dick pump?"

Forestry Minister Rich Coleman's penis was unavailable for comment.