iLaugh.com

Today we bring you a letter from a movie theater owner. His name has been intentionally changed for the sake of anonymity and ironic effect...

"My name is P.J. McMoneyGrubber and I own a movie theater. It's fairly typical as far as movie theaters go; I've got eighteen screens, twelve managers and some thirty teenagers working the floors for minimum wage, all to ensure that you get the best possible moviegoing experience your almost 15-dollar ticket will allow.

But lately something's been hurting my business. It's not the crap movies that the studios send me - mostly remakes of TV shows from the '70s that weren't even that good back then, or effects-laden action films that spare no expense on anything except for plot and characters.

No, what's hurting my business is you and your pirated snacks.

Every 30-dollar garbage bag of raw popcorn I buy translates to $3,000 profit that I can put back into my business - I mostly don't, but I could. If you don't believe me, you can read about it for it for yourself in this LA Times article. Think about that for a moment. Three thousand smackers. That's what it's costing me every time you bring your own food into my theater, you cheap, fat morons. Why you'd want to do such a thing is
beyond me. That'd be like ripping the hood ornament off my Bentley on your way in.

Really, you're only cheating yourself. In each of the five major snack groups, my theater offers a superior product at only a slightly inflated price. Let's break it down:

1. Popcorn - What the hell's so great about
   Smartfood anyway? My movie popcorn comes in three sizes, from large to
   freakishly gi-normous. Sometimes for a little extra you can get a
   souvenir tub of your favorite summer blockbuster in durable,
   non-recyclable plastic. And can you put hot creamery butter-like
   topping on your "Smart"-food? Doubtful. Plus, I've got five kinds of flavored sprinkles for movie popcorn, while your Stupidfood only has "white cheddar," whatever that is...
2. Chocolate - Sure, you can pay a buck for
   a Chocolate bar at the corner store, but what do you get for it? Not
   much. The super-size feedbags in my theater yield enough of a chocolate
   hit for an '80s-era Oprah. Plus the bags aren't resealable, so you
   don't have to worry about lugging home any leftovers.
3. Candy - Why wreck your moviegoing
   experience by going to a bulk store beforehand? Remember, movie
   theaters are dark. How distracting would it be to reach into your
   affordable bag of mixed bulk candy without knowing exactly what you're
   going to pull out? No, better to stick with a big bag of one thing.
   When my concession stand sells you 1,000 gummi feet for ten bucks, you
   can be damn sure that gummi feet are all you're gonna get. Except maybe
   a fingernail or two.
4. Soda - What kills me about store-bought
   soda is the carbonation. You can rest assured the soda fountains at my
   concession stand deliver a superior product that's mostly water.
5. Ethnic Food - Can you buy nachos and
   microwaved, glow-in-the-dark cheese sauce at your corner store? Didn't
   think so! If you're running late, you can skip dinner altogether and
   have a full, balanced meal right in your movie seat - just don't spill
   any of that damn sauce, okay? It eats through the upholstery on my
   seats like battery acid.

So there you have it. Categorical proof that the snacks in my movie theater are better in every way than what you can smuggle in from outside. Hopefully now you will appreciate the forethought that has gone into every carefully rationed tank of soda syrup.

I guess if you were really concerned about your wallet, your health or the quality of your entertainment you could eat in and watch a DVD at home. But why do that when you can experience the movies the way Hollywood wants you to?"