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Lou Rubino may be an angry, retired resident of a New Jersey suburb, but he’s still got his opinions. And they’re better than yours, goddammit!

Dear Lou, I want to surprise my husband for our 30th anniversary, but I don’t know what to get him. What’s a special something that lets him know he’ll always be my man. Ideas?

Sincerely,

— Anxious for Suggestions

Dear Anxious,

Hmmm…let me think. Thirty years with the same woman? I would suggest either a noose, a handgun, or a bottle of arsenic. Only joking, of course. The real answer is simple. How about making this birthday the first one in thirty years that you actually put something in your mouth other than cake and ice cream? Sound good? If not, go with the noose.

Dear Lou,

I am the mother of a fourteen-year-old boy. Recently, I walked in on him masturbating to pornography on the internet. I know masturbation is normal and I don’t want to discourage his sexual exploration, but at the same time I want him to understand that pornography is degrading to women. How should I handle this situation?

— Mother of a Monkey Spanker

Dear MOMS,

I’m not sure I follow. Degrading? You mean like goat bukkake? I thought that was banned in this country. Cuz I don’t know what you’re supposed to do with that kind of a perv.

Just to be clear, you’re not talking about normal porn, are you? The kind that keeps boys straight? You said ” degrading.” This is just girl and boy porn, right? Am I missing something? Was one of them a midget?

Dear Lou,

Recently the administration from my daughter’s middle school announced that the new gym teacher starting next fall is “transgender.” I don’t want to be insensitive, but I don’t know what this means.

— Perplexed

Dear Perp,

It means your tax dollars are being wasted. Time to move, honey.

Dear Lou,

Our 13-year-old daughter has been dating the same boy for three months. He seems like a nice boy, but I want her to start seeing other people. At this age, serious dating can only lead to trouble. Am I right?

— Want to Do What’s Best

Dear Wannado,

Excellent! A letter from the valedictorian of the Heidi Fleiss School of Mothering. Let me rephrase your question so our readers understand better: “My daughter is already a bit of a slut, but I’d like to make her a real, professional whore. Help me out!” Sound about right? Here’s the deal, thirteen-year-old girls should be making potholders and macaroni necklaces, not hot, sticky monkey love to multiple partners. Tell her to end it with the boyfriend and then report yourself to the DSS.

Dear Lou, Our son has very long hair. My husband constantly harasses him, but I think it’s important to support his self-expression. What do you think?

— Concerned

Dear Connie,

The only thing that should concern you is that your son is going to grow up to be a pot-smoking queer. Your husband is right. Straighten out that kid before he starts cooking up pot brownies in your apron.

Lou wants your letters. Keep them coming and watch out for the next installment of Ask Lou!