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OK, I realize that it's only October, but we all know what's just around the corner: THE HOLIDAYS.  There are so many things that piss me off about the holiday season that I don't even know where to begin. I'll start off with gift giving.  Every year I seem to accumulate more and more people that I need to buy a gift for.  Each year I strive to find special gifts or tokens of my affection for the special people in my life.  It could be something homemade, it could be something quite luxurious or it could be something relatively cheap, but whatever it is, it's uniquely suited to the recipient.  That doesn't sound overly horrible.  But where do you draw the line??  Family, friends, co-workers, acquaintances- where does it end and who do you knock off the list?  Obviously you should pick up something for your sweet old Granny, but are you obligated to buy something for that bitch at work that always steals your pens, the mailman who kicked your dog, or the friend who never buys a round???  Figuring out who makes your "Nice" list and who's on the "Go Fuck Yourself, You're Not Getting Anything" list is a tremendous task.  Every year you're bound to insult someone and those whiny bitches can go lick a lamppost. 

Now that you've got your list of who to buy for, you're faced with actually going out and buying something for them.  Some people are easy- you have a "go-to" gift that you can count on every year- they have a hobby, a favourite sports team, favourite activity they participate in, or even a favourite colour for shit sake, but there are those other people that have EVERYTHING and you will NEVER be able to find something that they'll like.  I'm practical.  I'm not going to buy something for someone just for the sake of buying something.  We've all been in that awkward situation when you open up a gift to reveal some piece of shit that you wouldn't buy with someone else's money.  I don't want to be that kind of gift giver- Hey!! Look!  Ceramic penguins for everyone!!!  Fantastic!!  No.  THINK before you buy.  Do some scouting trips to the mall, shop online, talk to the person BEFORE you make a purchase, cause let's face it Aunt Bea might not enjoy that set of crystal anal beads as much as you thought she would. 

OK so you've figured out what to buy, now you've got to go and get it.  This is a shit-tastic experience.  You brave the mall filled with pushy, sweaty strangers all clamouring for the same trendy over-priced gift all while listening to the same sickeningly saccharine sweet Christmas carols piped into every store.  Rudolph, Frosty, and the Little Drummer Boy can all go to hell.  One year I got so tired of dodging disrespectful people that I body checked a lady who wasn't watching where she was going.  Let that be a lesson to you out there.  Another thing that burns me is that the same item that you paid for by promising your first born child to merciless vendors will be half price 2 days after Christmas.  And have you ever gone to the mall, giddy with excitement, the perfect gift idea in mind, only to find out that they're out of stock/it's unavailable in your area/the product is discontinued/ or some other soul crushing reason?  That's why you see people crying in public.  In recent years I've resorted to Internet shopping.  It's convenient and I don't have to leave my house and talk to idiots.  Let's face it, Sudbury is not known for its variety.  The Internet offers us an entire PLANET of stores.  You might pay a little for shipping, but it's worth it not to have to go out in the damn snow to deal with masses of morons at malls.  But caveat emptor: there are a bunch of fucks on the Internet who won't ship to your area.  Grow up.  It's like the mall scenario- you find the perfect item, whip out your credit card, then you get the proverbial kick in the crotch: "Sorry, we are unable to ship to your area".  Guess the kids are getting a big box of sweet fuck all for Christmas this year. 

Once you've got your presents purchased, now you have to wrap them.  Sigh.  When I was younger, I used to love wrapping presents- ribbons, bows, tags; I had a great time being all anal-retentive and Martha Stewart-y.  Now I wrap stuff, don't label it, and forget whom it's for.  Then I have to unwrap and re-wrap the fucker.  Since then, I've taken to writing the person's name directly on the paper.  Gift-wrapping is just another giant holiday hemorrhoid.  Not to mention that all that shit costs money- paper, ribbons, bows, tags- and all of it goes in the fucking trash at about 7:23am Christmas morning.  The invention of the ready-made gift-bag has been a Godsend.  Here's how it works: 1. Throw shit in bag2. Close bagLess time wrapping=more time drinking.   So now that you've gone through all that rigmarole with the shopping and wrapping, it's time for "holiday get-togethers".  Office parties, family dinners, your kid's Christmas concerts- excruciating ordeals that can only be survived through the consumption of copious amounts of liquor and gingerbread.  Any one of these scenarios can and will end with someone crying, throwing up, and/or making out in the coat closet.  These holiday events are typically at the most inopportune time when the weather is especially terrible and they are populated by people you hate.  I want to ENJOY my holidays, not spend it with annoying co-workers, boring relatives, and whiny children.  That 2-hour drive through the snow was worth it to hear all about Uncle Jeb's colostomy.

Now, let us not forget about the holiday food.  I don't really have anything negative to say about the food itself, except that there's just too damn much of it.  Everyone seems to go all out for the holidays- buying and cooking things they wouldn't normally cook and expecting all of us to eat it.  And then we all bitch and moan on January 1st when we discover we've gained 10 pounds.  You can't turn around without someone offering you cookies, candy, and fruitcake (which sucks it and of itself).  Not to mention the numerous dinners you'll be invited to (unless you're an angry loner).  And if you DON'T stuff your face when invited for dinner, then you're guaranteed to insult the hosts- you don't want that on your conscience, do you!??!?!  Every holiday season I fall into a sugar and tryptophan induced coma.  Guess what I got for Christmas!!  Diabetes!!  YAY!

Holidays are supposed to be restful and enjoyable and all that time spent shopping, wrapping, socializing, and eating stresses people the hell out.  You always have somewhere to go, someone to see, and something to buy.  It's physically, mentally, emotionally, and financially exhausting.  That's not what holidays are about!  Holidays are about sleeping in and doing what YOU want to do, not what you feel obligated to do.  Sometimes you actually want to spend time with family and friends, but there are also many, many instances when the exact opposite is true.  So this holiday season, if you want to sleep in until 3:00pm, eat candy canes for breakfast, then drink and play Wii, do it.  You work hard all damn year for some time off and life is too short to waste your fleeting vacation hours running around in a dippy Christmas sweater.