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Winter has seen the return of my nemesis, my adversary, my ARCH ENEMY.

Fuck you eczema, you itchy whore.  For those of you out there who don’t know what eczema is or have never had the "pleasure" of experiencing it first hand, here are the basics:

-          Insanely itchy inflammation (awesome alliteration) of the skin that can occur anywhere on the body

-          Affects roughly 10-15% of the population

-          Scratching leads to bleeding, leads to infection, leads to scarring

There’s no known cause or cure for this shit.  It’s not debilitating, it’s not crippling, it’s just really, really...... annoying.  It’s pretty hard to maintain my suave appearance when I’m scratching myself in public like a goddamn barnyard animal.  There were times where it was so itchy that I ended up scratching myself in my sleep.  It’s like having a bug-bite that’s the size of a dinner plate.  Sometimes it can get pretty ugly-looking- my hands have been cracked and bleeding on more than one occasion- but it’s really more of a nuisance than anything.   I’m not gonna DIE from a chronic case of eczema.  But my self-esteem sure does take a shit-kicking.

You can put just about anything on this shit and it will never, ever go away.  It might go into remission for a while, but it’s sneaky like that.  It hibernates and waits for an incredibly inopportune time to make an appearance- like say, a first date, a class picture, or your trip to the beach.  Flare ups can last days or YEARS.  I’ve researched dozens of home remedies ranging from a full body coating of petroleum jelly (greasy doesn't even begin to describe it) to vinegar baths.  Doctors also prescribe a variety of salves, creams, and pills to alleviate the discomfort, but some have crazy side effects.    The doctor gave me some stuff that kind of works, but it has steroids in it.  That’s right, STERIODS.  That junk is absorbed into the bloodstream and can cause thinning of the skin, stretch marks, and a whole lot of other fun things (http://www.drugs.com/cons/celestoderm-v-topical.html).  So in addition to having red, itchy, rash-like skin, you get a whole host of other problems. 

In my quest for relief, I’ve checked out more than a few websites, and here are some of the nuggets of wisdom that the world wide web has provided me with:

Weather conditions or airborne pollutants can irritate your condition.  You can flare up in really humid weather or if it’s too dry.  “Ideally both school and the workplace should be cool and as dust free as possible.”  (eczemaguide.ca) I think it’s safe to say that schools and workplaces is where dust is born.  Basically they’re telling you that something you have absolutely zero control over (the enviro-fucking-ment) will cause you to become a scaly, itchy disaster.  Thanks for the tip.

Avoid skin irritants.  Some irritants include: synthetic fibres, soaps, detergents, shampoos, perfume, shaving cream, hot water, salt water, hard water, and sweat.  So essentially you’re telling me that I can’t wear clothes, I can’t shave, I can’t sweat, and I can’t wash.  Beautiful.

Stress.  Apparently stress can cause hell to break loose.  Get a load of this statement:  “Anxiety and emotional tension should be kept to a minimum. Techniques to reduce stress and the insight to avoid anxiety producing situations are beneficial.  (eczemaguide.ca)  Shit!  And here I’ve been seeking out stress all these years!  *Slaps forehead*  Dang.

So unless I can maintain an optimal temperature, sustain perfectly balanced humidity, ensure a dust/perfume free environment, not wash, not sweat, and totally eliminate stress from my life, I guess I’m stuck with a permanent case of the itchies.  It ain’t easy being green....or in this case, red and irritated.