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Apparently my first attempt at blogging came off a little hateful. (I was described as sounding "mean" and "angry" by my own mother). So I've decided to take my "nice pills", tone down the profanity, and give it another shot. Given the time of year, it was rather easy to come up with a new topic.....

Let’s just start by saying that I hate Valentine’s Day. Maybe I’m bitter, maybe I’m alone, and maybe you just need to shut your goddamn mouth. But I’m not going to get into that right now.... I used to think that Valentine’s Day was a colossal scam invented by greedy, heartless corporations to prey on the lovesick, romantic, and brainless. But, after doing a little research and learning the history/background of Valentine’s Day, I must say that I don’t hate the day so much as I hate the absolute commercialization of the whole deal. I shudder to think of the billions spent every year on worthless knick-knackery, all in the name of St. Val.

Apparently there’s a lot of mystery around this day, but Valentine’s Day contains relics from both Christian and ancient Roman tradition.

Here’s the Christian legend: Back in the 3rd century, the Roman emperor at the time outlawed marriage for young men because he wanted those dudes for his army. Apparently young, single men make better soldiers because they don’t have wives and family to leave behind. So anyway, along comes this priest named Valentine. Valentine thought this law was completely retarded, just like everyone else, so he performed secret marriages for young couples. When Emperor Claudius II found out, the shit hit the fan and he had Valentine whacked. It’s alleged that before Valentine was executed, he fell in love with the jailer’s daughter and before his death, he wrote her a letter that he signed: “From your Valentine”. Sickening, isn’t it?

Here’s the Roman part: Every year on the ides of February (the 15th), the Romans had a big fuck festival dedicated to Faunus, the Roman god of agriculture. Part of the festival included sacrificing a goat then slapping crops and women with the bloody hide. And dig this: the women went for it because it was thought that after being slapped with goat guts, they would be more fertile in the coming year. As if that wasn’t fun enough, single men chose their potential mate bingo-style.  All the young single gals placed their names in an urn and were paired up for a year with the lucky slob who pulled their name out of the hat. I find it hard to believe, but apparently these matches often ended in wedded bliss. Oh those wacky Romans!

Pope Gelasus declared February 14th Valentine’s Day around 498AD (quite possibly to phase out the festivities involving goat intestines), but the day didn’t really begin to pick up steam until around the 17th century. THAT’s when the shit started. Back then, people created heartfelt little handwritten love notes made from household scraps of ribbons and lace. People would write notes for friends and lovers to let them know they were special, loved, wanted, appreciated, yadda, yadda, yadda. Now instead of hand-crafted greetings, we spend a bundle on shit ranging from candy to stupid plush toys to diamond jewellery (not that I’d complain if someone gave me diamonds....). According to the American Greeting Card Industry, us morons send roughly 1 BILLION Valentine’s Day cards every year. And it’s not surprising that of those billion cards, 85% were sent by women. Man, we’re such suckers.

I think what I really hate is that people get the impression that they have to express their love for someone on that particular day. Or that they absolutely HAVE to buy something or do something incredibly special for their other half on this designated date. The calendar SAYS we have to give each other shit today, it has to be today!!!!!! If you don’t give me stuff on Valentine’s Day, then I don’t want it and now I hate your guts!!! That’s complete horseshit. If you really love someone and you want them to know it, show it- ALL the time. Don’t wait for some stupid date on a calendar, grab your honey, plant a big sloppy one on them and let 'em know they make you feel funny in their "special areas". There are all KINDS of ways to show someone that you love and appreciate them besides giving them a heart-shaped box of chocolates. It could be something as simple as remembering to pick up your soiled underwear off the floor or something as elaborate as a choreographed strip-tease. Bottom line: don’t wait for February 14th to show a little affection, you’ve got 364 other days to show it. NOW GO GET SOME TIGER!