Stuff That Pisses Me Off, Volume 1: The Speakerphone

04/02/2008 18:57

Welcome to my infinite series of Stuff That Pisses Me Off. Every time I encounter something annoying, unnecessary, steeped in bullshit, or fantastically stupid, I'm gonna rant about it. Why? Because ranting about shit that I can't change is what angry loners do. So read on and tell me what you think: whiny little bitch or insightful, humorous, Peter Griffin-esque demi-goddess.

Let us begin with the speakerphone.....

Speakerphones themselves are really not so bad. I suppose the head-set is the next step in the evolution of telephones, but if you use one of those and you don't work the drive-through window, you're a total douchebag. Actually, if you work the drive-through window you're a douchebag, headset or not. But anyway, speakerphones are useful- I don't dispute that. If you're all alone in a private office, use the speakerphone and multitask the hell out of your day. I mean, just imagine the phone-sex implications. (Just make sure there's a lock on your office door (or not, sometimes it's more exciting if you might get caught....or so I've heard)). But the key word was ALONE. What pisses me off about speakerphones aren't so much the phones themselves, but the self-centred fucks who insist on using them in a public location.

Number one: I absolutely DESPISE the sound of someone dialing on speakerphone. Beep, beep, boop, beep beep, boop, BOOOOP. It's like someone set off a rage bomb inside my skull every time I hear it. What kills me is that people will dial using the speakerphone, then pick up the receiver when they hear the other line ring. You're that much of a dick that you have to ensure that everyone around you can hear that you're making a phone call? Ooooh, you're sooooo important!

Number two: Listening to someone else's totally asinine conversation. It doesn't matter if the conversation is work-related or not, I don't fucking want to listen to it while I'm trying to get through another work day without stabbing myself in the eye. It's distracting to have to listen to your personal conversations -whether it's about the picture that your stupid helmet-wearing kid drew or being forced to sit through the agony that is you trying to order office paper- Hmmmm........how is the 20lb eggshell? Or would you go with the ivory? Fuuuuuuuuuuuck.

Number three: receiving a call from someone who is using speakerphone when they're not alone. There's always a weird echo-y sound and other people talking in the background. Not to mention that you might divulge some private information unknowingly. It's annoying to the people around you and to the person you're calling. When this happens to me, I usually launch into an absolute shit-storm of profanity. SHITBREATH, BALL-LICKER, ASSFACE, COCKSUCKER, BITCH-FUCK, TWUNT! It never fails to get the caller to pick up the receiver.

So basically what I'm trying to say is: Do your co-workers a favour and stop being so fantastically lazy and rude and pick up the fucking receiver so we'll stop bad-mouthing you behind your back and trying to get you fired. And if you ever catch me using a speakerphone in an office that is otherwise private, I insist that you kick me in the squish and teach me a little respect.

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