iLaugh.com

Metaman is iLaugh's resident movie "reviewer." He never actually sees any of the movies he's writing about, but he can usually get the gist of it from the Internet and whatever he overhears in the elevator. Who's got time to watch all that crap, anyway?

OK, I'm a bit stressed out. Everywhere I turn, things seem to be breaking down. Maybe it's the pace I've been keeping. Not sure. My leisurely 30-minute drive to work is now 90 minutes of a stop-and-go whiplash tango that'd clear the worst case of acid reflux. My car has been hit in about four places over the past month and my world-class diagnostics system tells me my tires have no air...even though I've been driving on them without consequence for the past month. And every second person I see warns me that the planet is heating up like an out-of-control Easy Bake Oven. The only thing that isn't breaking down is my relationship...but that's only because I don't have one.

The ironic thing is this: Never before in the history of mankind have we had more access to technology, information and global networks of knowledge experts. It seems like everyone's an expert but I still can't get an airline ticket booked that doesn't land me in a non-reclinable seat with three stops in some foreign country I can't even pronounce. So many experts, yet I still can't get my toilet to flush and quite frankly, it's starting to smell.

Everyone is an expert, but things seem to be degenerating into a state of chaos. Does anyone know anything? Are there any "real" experts or has this global information network created a huge hot air balloon of valueless rhetoric and self-important people that want to tell you way more about their life than any of us really need to know?

In an effort to contribute to this glorious charade, and in the spirit of "If you can't beat ‘em, join ‘em," I'm officially commencing my new movie review site. Weekly, I'm going to review movies that I've never actually seen. I will base my critical insights on what I may have heard some people say, the occasional trailer and a general sense of what the movie would have been like if I had seen it.

I'll provide searing insights on things based solely on hearsay and what my initial instincts tell me. Nothing from the original source. Eventually, I might even deliver secondhand news and a myriad of household fix-it tips on stuff I've never actually done. Stock quotes, global politics and some of the finer elements of horticulture are all within my scope. This will be an idiot's guide written by an idiot.

Coming soon in my next post: A "review" of Over the Hedge.