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Here’s a True Hollywood Moment for the uncool few of you who don’t follow Paris Hilton’s every move. The unjustifiably-famed heiress was recently arrested for driving under the influence (of alcohol, duh). It appears (from the one article I’m willing to use as research into this matter: this one) she has been tried and convicted and now faces a 45-day sentence behind bars.

Seems reasonable…however, anyone who’s caught even a few classic television moments of The Simple Life knows full well that a four-syllable word like “reasonable” doesn’t belong within ten paragraphs of the name Paris Hilton.

A petition has been assembled by “fans” of Ms. Hilton stating that she should not be jailed because she “provides beauty and excitement to our otherwise mundane lives.”

So let’s examine this a little bit…the 7000+ people who signed the online petition truly feel that they couldn’t handle 45 days without the young woman who made night-vision filming so popular. That a month and a half without the unparalleled musical brilliance of her song “Stars are Blind” would indubitably wreak havoc on the already dwindling music business. That six weeks of Hollywood clubbing minus the presence of a drunken, spoiled princess would be six too many.

Frankly, I’m amazed I was able to string three sentences together regarding her “accomplishments.” I’m actually physically exhausted now.
The thing that really gets me about this issue is that, once again, the opposition to drunk driving (or at least those with enough organizational aptitude to form a committee about it) are outraged and shocked that such an upstanding role model could commit such an act. Why are people so concerned that kids might follow in Paris’ footsteps and drive drunk when they should be concerned that they’ll take her lead and become mindless, constantly partying, coke-snorting, cross-country hillbilly-banging, alcoholic, panty-spurning, porno-making sluts?

Here’s a shining example of a brainy quote from the role model in question: “I absolutely realize how serious driving under the influence is. I could not live with myself if anyone was injured or killed while I was driving while impaired.” Paris’ deep thoughts make Jack Handey’s feel like a matter for collegiate philosophical analysis. Slutface is 26 years old and seems to be just now piecing together the fact that she’d feel guilty if she were to run someone down with her daddy’s Bentley.

Paris is now hopeful that fellow celeb/governor of California Arnold Schwarzenegger will come to her legal rescue. Although I’m sure in Skanky’s mind she’s envisioning Arnie busting open the court doors with an uzi under each arm shouting “Get dooowwn!” to all of the innocent spectators while the judge is mowed down in a blaze of Commando-glory.

“No, Miss Hilton! I’m afraid it is you who is telling the True Lies!” RAT-TAT-TAT-TAT!

Where the hell did that come from?