iLaugh.com

For years, medical patients have been forced to cope not only with their illnesses, but their ignorance towards the verbiage used by those treating them. Today, I say to you with great joy AND ambitious fury, “IT’S TIME TO TAKE THE POWER BACK!”

In this case, “taking the power back” will involve we, the victims of doctor-speak, concocting words of our own well beyond the literary grasp of our appointed health-savers…and by “well beyond” I mean “well beneath.”

For the clever few of you who pieced together the fact that this blog’s title was indicative of where I was going with the previous paragraphs, allow me to explain exactly what I mean by “merms.” A “merm” is two terms merged together to form one, much better, term — not unlike shorms.

Feels like a good enough explanation to me. Let’s start the show!

1. Swass - used to described the all-too-common warm-weather symptom of having a sweaty ass. There is no cure for swass. Some have found the “packing your cheeks full of cotton” treatment to be helpful and pleasurable.
2. Cankles - a condition most often found on larger women in which their calves blend seamlessly with their equally large ankles. Cankles can be terminal when the inflicted happens to be a supermodel.
3. Felbows - a similar manifestation to the previous merm although of higher placement on the human body. Fat elbows will sometimes escape from their sleeve-ish hiding places in the summertime when comfort matters more than appearance. At first glimpse, one would be inclined to presume the affected HAS no elbows. But I assure you, they’re in there somewhere.
4. Bacne - a little more difficult to recognize in writing than when spoken, “bacne” is none other than a high-school locker room’s most disgusting enemy: back acne. Bacne is often a symptom of “swack” which, of course, is a sweaty back (a condition that Justin Timberlake is decidedly not bringing to the general public). To stave off bacne, one must first contain his/her outbreak of swack. How exactly does one prevent sweaty back? My advice: STAY STILL!
5. Fugly - perhaps not quite as legitimate an affliction as the others so far, but an affliction nonetheless. This is the state of being f$&%in’ ugly. It affects an increasingly vast number of the population and may someday lead to the extinction of our species due to its side effect of decreased fornication rates. See also “pugly,” “bugly,” and the obscure “mugly.”
6. Blamps - this one is predominantly a female concern. “Blamps” are combined bloating and cramps which arise during menstruation. This inevitably leads to grumpy bitchiness better known as “gritchiness.” Which leads to “man hiding in the basement with beer” for which I have no merm.
7. Tofu - toe fungus. Those vegetarians are sick, filthy bastards.
8. Huckles - old men and Luca Brazzi-type mafia henchmen have been known to acquire this ailment. “Hairy knuckles” are direct evidence of our collective caveman past. Each sprouting hair attests to how many years behind Darwin you are.
9. Gunt - even without a description you get a sense this one is pretty offensive. A “gunt” is something you will find (or hopefully NOT find) on a woman obese enough to blur the lines between gut and…a slightly less clinical term for “vagina.” There are few things worse in this life that can happen to a woman. I suggest you instill fear of the gunt in your daughters at a very young age. For their sake and the sake of the men of the future.
10. Swesticles - if there’s one thing a man doesn’t want to find on a woman, it’s a gunt, and if there’s one thing he doesn’t want to find on himself, it’s “swesticles.” Unlike the rest of the male genitalia, finding your testicles to be swollen is not an indication that libidinous rituals are about to take place. Quite the opposite. If you happen to glance down and find a pair of swesticles dangling in your suddenly-tighter-than-usual undergarments, you’d be well advised to find the nearest elevator, take it right to the rooftop, and JUMP THE F*&K OFF!

…or see a doctor. Up to you really.