iLaugh.com

According to the Internet’s most trusted site for important and accurate news, Worthy, Weird, and Wacky, Ray Scott, a “burly 64-year-old retiree”, has won the New Hampshire Rock, Paper, Scissors title. Here’s the link: Old Dude RPS Champ. But I think I pretty much gave you all of the important information.

So in honor of Mr. Scott’s victory, I’ve decided to make my own list of simplistic, purposeless, everybody-wins-as-long-as-you-had-fun kids games that I would like to be the worldwide, senior-citizen champ of. Let the games begin!

10. Hopscotch - I once jumped all the way from the 2 square to the 10 square. I can only imagine what I’ll be able to do after another 40 years of experience.

9. Duck Duck Goose - It’s all about the mind. You need to subconsciously convince the “fox” to pick you. That way you’re ready to tear his hand off with your ferocious goose-fangs when he touches your head.

8. Ring Around the Rosie - The main challenge in being the worldwide, senior-citizen champion of Ring Around the Rosie is not breaking your hip after husha, husha.

7. Guess Who - One of the easiest games ever created. Someone sneaks up behind someone else, covers his/her eyes with his/her hands, and says “Guess Who!” Few people realize that you can actually win at this game. All you need to do is guess correctly. Alternatively, you can also win by immediately following the announcement of the game’s beginning with a heel kick to the eye-coverer’s junk and yelling “NO!”

6. I Spy - I spy with my little eye something that is champion material. Oh. That’s a MIRROR!

5. Marco Polo - Marco Polo himself wouldn’t stand a chance against me. When I say “Marco” it’s really just a formality. By the time you say “Pol—” I’ll already be holding your head under the water.

4. Pin the Tail on the Donkey - If I were to walk dizzily through a field of donkeys wearing a blindfold you can be damn sure they’d scatter like la cucaracha in a shitty motel room when the lights come on. (Field of Donkeys is not to be confused with that Kevin Costner movie)

3. Red Rover - By playing this game, I am single-handedly increasing the market for shoulder-to-fingertip prosthetic arms. On another note, did you know that British Bulldog is another name for Red Rover? Owen Hart’s cousin doesn’t seem so tough anymore.

2. Thumb Wars - Years of living in a small town without a vehicle of my own has strengthened my hitch-hiking thumb beyond ordinary human levels. Nerds everywhere would line up for days to buy tickets to my Thumb Wars trilogy. My thumb’s so huge it’s got a thumb of its own. If my thumb were the Titanic, Leo DiCaprio would’ve starred in a movie about a sunken iceberg. Your mama’s so fat, her fingernails have stretch marks… Where’d that come from?

1. Pattycake - The mistake most competitors in this event make is leaving the game behind after toddler-hood. You gotta stick with it you little bitches!! Is it really that difficult to set aside a couple hours a day, three days a week to hone your skills? Sometimes, when I can’t find a sparing partner, I have my right hand face off against my left. That shit gets intense, Dawg! All I’m gonna say is that the bakerman better bake me a cake as fast as he can cause I’m gonna wanna celebrate after I win this mofo. Then maybe I’ll go right ahead and win a cake eating contest while I’m at it.

Any of you little punks wanna challenge me? I realize the technological advancements in these sports could potentially render all of my tactics obsolete but I assure you, Maggots, this old dog will have his day. ARF! (God damn that was intimidating!)