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Hey people. For the purposes of this blog, I’m going to just assume the weather has been unseasonably warm all across the globe this winter. I realize I could easily verify this information through any of the web’s various weather sites, but I don’t want to hold off a second longer on getting this article out to my salivating fans.

Lt. Mookman (him being me, me being myself) lives in Canada. Northern Ontario, to be precise. I, along with the rest of the population up here, am very fond of global warming. Any increase in temperature, no matter how slight, is a very welcome change to us and our constantly taut nipples.

That being said, I would like to take this opportunity to formally encourage you to continue your polluting, ozone-destroying ways so that us Northerners may experience a climate more greatly resembling that of the rest of the world.

The following is a very brief list of ways how you can help support the cause:

• Trade in your tired old hybrid vehicle for a shiny new Cadillac Escalade. Be sure to equip that bad boy with dual fire-breathing exhaust pipes and, if it isn’t too much trouble, peel out on every street corner on the off chance that burnt rubber also puts holes in our planetary coverage.
• Chop down a few trees. This may be tough for those of you living in rural areas, but one solution is to plan a camping weekend with the family. Round up the wife and kids, pack your tents and chainsaws and drive your SUV out to the nearest campground. No tent? No problem! Just use the chainsaw to build yourself a log cabin. But don’t forget to burn it down before you head home! Every little blaze helps!
• Give a can of beans to some hippos. Methane is the second-greatest cause of global warming, after carbon dioxide. My extensive research has lead to the discovery that methane is produced by such sources as rice paddies, bovine flatulence, bacteria in bogs and fossil fuel production. This, of course, prompts the question: What the fuck is a bovine and why are they so gassy? Typing “bovine” into Google revealed an image of a hippo. By putting two and two together, I feel quite confident in saying that global warming is caused by hippo farts. With this in mind, my final suggestion for you is to feed some Heinz Pork & Beans to a hungry flock of hippos. Yes, I realize that hippos are not indigenous to the majority of the portions of the world where you would find the internet and iLaugh viewers, but please, if you are vacationing in Africa anytime in the near future, don’t forget to pack some refried beans and don’t spare the lard.

That should get you started. If I don’t feel a minimum of 2-degree increase in temperature tomorrow, I will know you have failed me and the rest of my shivering country. Shame on you, you heartless jerks. I hope your warm climate burns your selfish flesh!

Love always,

Lt. Mookman