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There is a very strange phenomenon that is becoming more widely recognized in the past few years amongst males. A series of events so cleverly intertwined that when you first start to fit the pieces together they hit you in the face like a steel-toed boot… full of bricks. Any man who’s been a witness to the occurrence in question most assuredly already knows exactly to what I am referring. For the rest of you, I speak of this: the hibernation of the most physically appealing of the fairer sex!

For years now, I, amongst many other notable (though I will not be noting them) researchers, have observed the disappearance of the majority of our populations attractive women during the cold winter months. This depressing situation is only eclipsed in emotional magnitude by the resurgence of these very same women come springtime. Only with increased sex appeal and brighter plumage for mating season!

Upon mentioning this circumstance, I am oft met with such counterarguments as: “It’s just because they wear skimpier clothing and show more skin in the springtime that you find them more attractive than they were in the winter.” Verily I tell you, this is not the case. If I have to start trapping these repugnant winter women and tagging their ears to prove it, then so be it! Failing such extreme methods, I suggest you just take my word for it.

Now the question of course is this: Where on Earth are these women hiding? Have they somehow acquired burrowing skills? I once saw a beautiful woman rifling through my trash. Perhaps she was gathering food in her plentiful, cavernous cheeks to stave off starvation in her womanly winter cocoon.

A more likely scenario than these extremes was brought forth to me by a fellow iLaugh blogger (Skipjack Bonito) and resident of Toronto, ON. Apparently, there is an underground mall and subway system (not unlike Canada’s other well-known underground railroad…) that stretches out for 25+ km beneath the icy-cold wind of the city streets on the surface. Mr. Bonito has told tales of stunning, well-dressed business-women in these urban hollows, protecting their frail yet sexy bodies from the “uglifying” elements. Could this be the appointed safe-haven and nesting grounds for all alluring females during the harshest of seasons? Certainly worth checking out by any man near the area. I’d offer a reward for any findings but I know full well that any male with a pulse would rather die than come back from such a place.

It is because of that very fact that we shall never know the true location of the masses of slumbering beauties. Fortunately, I feel quite strongly that our gender can make it through the colder months in salivating anticipation of what’s to come along with the warmer weather of spring. We have done so in the past and WILL DO SO AGAIN! THEY CAN TAKE OUR LIVES… BUT THEY’LL NEVER TAKE… OUR FREEEEEEEDOM!

What?