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Valentine's Day: Candy. Flowers. Teddy bears. Pink things. It's all for suckers.

Lt. Mookman has a better way for you to express your love (or abundant lack thereof).

• Set up a playful trail of relationship trivia clues. Something like: Go to the room where we first said "I love you." In that room, spray-paint the ceiling with: Look inside the CD case of the album "our song" is on. You get the idea. When your sweetie makes it to the final room (say, a linen closet), be waiting on your knees with a ring box. As the tears of joy stream down her face, talk about how you've been doing a lot of thinking lately and all the time you've spent together has lead to one conclusion. Then open the box to reveal - nope, not your dick - a small, elegantly inscribed card reading "I hate you. It's over!" Top it off by saying something like "Sorry, champ" as you walk out the door...forever.
• Buy yourself a "Realdoll" that resembles your girlfriend and dress it up in your girl's sexiest outfit. Next, bust out the video camera. Tear those clothes back off and do the kinkiest stuff you can come up with - everything she wouldn't let you do, basically. Then, mail your movie masterpiece to her parents with a text intro saying "I used your daughter for sex. Here are some examples of our favorite positions." The best thing about this is that your no-longer-future-in-laws will likely forbid their daughter from seeing you again anyway. No need to get your own heartbreaking hands dirty.
• Make reservations at the trendiest restaurant in town. Do this months in advance of Valentine's to really build the anticipation. Buy her an elegant dress for the occasion. Maybe even some jewelery - it all depends on your devotion to the asshole maneuver you're about to execute. When the big VD arrives, give her a call near the end of the workday and tell her you're going to be a bit late so you're sending a limo to take her to the restaurant. Then have the driver take her straight to the nearest garbage dump. Eventually she'll get your subtle hint about where you think your relationship is headed - after she stops bawling, of course.