iLaugh.com

I’m going to warn you in advance that Lt. Mookman comes from a very small town in a very northern part of the country of Canada. Many of these expressions may be entirely indigenous to this strange district. Despite that fact (or even because of it), you will probably be just as annoyed by the following idiocies as I am.You may want to put some gloves on before reading these because, if you are anything like me, you are about to punch yourself repeatedly in the face in the hopes that the pain will inflict enough trauma to block these expressions from your memory later on.

1. “Bye-bye-la” — What? What in the hell are you trying to say to me? From my experience with the context in which this is used, I deduced that this is a way to taunt someone as they are leaving. But it doesn’t stop there. You can also taunt a piece of garbage as you toss it into the receptacle. Or you can taunt the last piece of a burger as you finish eating. If you like, you can even taunt an older, unknowing relative that doesn’t realize “la” is actually French for “f**kface.” Or so is my understanding…
2. “Get r’ done” – I don’t even know how to spell this one. Er? Rrrr? Ir? Is the apostrophe following necessary or does it somehow give the backwards, rednecked hicks that say it feel as though mid-expression punctuation somehow promotes them as literate individuals? I’ve even seen it with hyphens in between, like freaking Lik-M-Aid. Whatever the case, please stop now before your lingo becomes fashionable (not unlike Ebonics) and our impressionable youth think it’s “cool” to vote for Bush, live in trailers and wed farm animals.
3. “Cheers!” – This one’s a little different. Said in the right context, I have no problem with it whatsoever. That context, of course, is in the presence of alcohol and clinkable glasses. If we’re sitting in an office with nary a drink in sight, I do not need to be reminded of the lack of alcohol in my system! When and why did people start saying this in everyday situations?! It’s like yelling “TOUCHDOWN!” at a funeral. The next person who says this to me anywhere but a dive bar is going to get a nonexistent bottle smashed over their head.
4. “Neither here nor there” – As I’m sure you’re aware, you would use this one if someone were cluttering up a discussion with inconsequentials. And that’s fine. My problem with this expression is not its lack of sense or functionality (this one actually has both as opposed to the first three piss-offs). My problem is the arbitrary selection of two opposing adverbs. Why here or there? You could use virtually anything in place of those. “This is neither black nor white.” “This is neither true nor false.” “This is neither smart nor stupid.” YES IT IS! It is most certainly the latter! If you’re frustrated enough to use such a pathetic expression then you’d be more quickly served by screaming “SHUT THE HELL UP!” I assure you it takes less time and will remove the unfocused babbling you’re enduring with greater veracity.
5. “Please and thank you” – Please note, I am referring to the use of these as one expression. For example, a teacher saying “Billy, could you bring that note up to the front of the class, please and thank you?” When you are saying that you are NOT making a request. The use of these terms within the same breath implies a direct order. When you’re given an order, there is nothing more aggravating than insincere politeness. If I were in prison and a guard said to me, “Remain in your cell, please and thank you,” I would shank him like a stuffed pig. Umm…that was a little out of context but I’m glad I got it off my chest.

Anyhoo, I’ve gone above and beyond my word limit and now that I’ve got r’ done and everything else I have to say is neither here nor there, it’s time for me to say bye-bye-la to my posse. Take a gander at my blog next week, please and thank you. Cheers!