iLaugh.com

So it seems that the state of New York has taken it upon itself to ban every young hip-hop fan’s favourite “N-word.” Hard to believe, I know, so here’s a link: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/6406625.stm

Was anyone aware that this was even a course of action politicians could take? To the best of my knowledge, mayors are elected to keep our streets clean and our taxes low (which they fail miserably at on both accounts), not to dictate to the city’s citizens which words are of proper moral fiber to be included in the vernacular.

In light of this new power granted to anyone in office, and given the fact that I was once President of my high school (for about four months), I’ve resolved to ban a few words of my own that I feel may be offensive to some groups.

1. Juice — this word is far too close to a term used to describe members of the Jewish community. The slightest inflection could easily result in bruised egos aplenty. What is so offensive about removing the “ish” sound? Nothing really. But imagine it in this context: “Do you know where I can buy the cheapest juice?” What kind of an idiot would make that mistake? I’m not sure. Perhaps the explanation lies somewhere in the Kabbalah.
2. Frigid – highly upsetting to little people. It’s a mere two sounds away from the unspeakable (though I will speak it here) “midget.” Also inconsiderate towards Eskimos, cold-blooded animals, figure skaters and (from what I hear) my buddy Matt’s ex-girlfriend.
3. 9-Iron — this doesn’t so much sound like a racial slur as it actually is one. If you have never come across this one before, a little Internet research will produce an explanation. (If i start explaining racial slurs this would become an entirely different type of blog.) The ban of this word carries with it the need to also ban the golf club for which it is named. Best start hitting the weights to make sure you can get your pitching wedge to carry 150 yards, Tiger.
4. Father – after recurring incidents involving the priests of the Catholic church I, personally, feel it’d be best if no one be called “Father” anymore; clergyman or nay. The way things are going, calling your dad “father” could easily get the crap beaten out of him by anyone that follows the news (or the studly man-cast of Sleepers).
5. Flag-it — that’s right. No more flagging anything! We don’t want to upset the homosexuals. Doing so would cause a whirlwind of flailing limbs and open palms with every intention of slapping one like a bitch.

The consequences of uttering any of these banned words are so dire that even the Sultans of Swing know to steer clear. (Wow, that’s a stupid reference. At least I got this far without giving away just how drunk I am. Or did I?) I know none of this makes any sense but I’m a politician. I can do what I want! Peace out, N-words!