iLaugh.com

Howard Stern listeners got an earful recently when Wilmer Valderrama, a.k.a. "Fez" from That '70s Show, claimed to have bagged such superstar hotties as Mandy Moore, Lindsay Lohan, Ashlee Simpson and Jennifer Love Hewitt.

Apparently, Wilmer began his celebrity romancing early, claiming his first famous date was Ariana Richards, known to moviegoers as "that little girl from Jurassic Park."

Valderrama's comments have recently motivated several notable Hollywood celebs to take up the pen. Not offended debutantes insulted by his boorish behavior, mind you, but other sitcom geeks who want props for their romantic conquests.

---

Ron Palillo (Horshack from Welcome Back Kotter)Hey Wilmer,You think you're all that, huh? Well, you don't know nothing 'bout the ladies. Back in the real '70s we did it right. I can still remember that night in ‘78, waking up covered in blow, sandwiched between a frisky Florence Henderson and an insatiable Shirley Hemphill. "What's Happening?" Hot disco love, that's what!

Yeah, and you can keep your ecstasy, too. In my day, we had a little something called Quaaludes. That stuff got the job done. Don't believe me? You ever done the Dirty Sanchez with Cindy Williams? Yeah, didn't think so.

And don't be boasting about that wiener of yours. I'm even wider than I am long, buddy-boy. My Welcome Back Kotter character name was originally "Mouseberg," until Gabe Kaplan took a leak next to me. Yup: "Hung like a Horshack." What's your character's name? "Fez"? What's that, Greek for "tiny penis?"

I'm outta here,

- Ron

P.S. I banged that Jurassic Park chick, too.

---

Bronson Pinchot (Balki from Perfect Strangers)

Greetings,

Mr. Valderrama,I see we share some of the same passions: greasepaint, the footlights, and Grade A celebrity poontang. Ah, the rewards of sitcom geekdom! Though you deserve congratulations for Mandy Moore, you still have a way to go, my friend. Then again, it's not your fault that you weren't sexually active in the '80s, when sitcoms delivered an almost endless supply of fresh meat.

Why, I blush just thinking of that afternoon in my trailer with all four Golden Girls. And let me be a gentleman and say I learned some things about the "Facts of Life" from a certain buxom lass and an ebony princess, if you know what I mean. You don't? Okay, I got a tag team hummer from Natalie and Tootie. Jo
knows her way around a penis as well ... but then again, she should. She
keeps hers in a bottle of formaldehyde.

In any event, kudos on your conquests, minimal as they may be.

Cheers,

- Bronson

P.S. If you happen to run into Ariana Richards, please have her return my 501 jeans.

---

Jim J. Bullock (Monroe from Too Close For Comfort)

Hello
Wilmer,

Big deal. You nail three chicks and suddenly you're Casanova? Damn, you heteros are square. Hollywood conquests? Oh, I've had a few: Adrien Zmed, Ron Palillo, Jack Lord, Eric Estrada, David Hasselhoff, Michael Gross, Bob from Sesame Street, Scott Baio, Parker Stevenson, William Katt, George Wendt, Gavin McCloud, Al Molinaro, "Alf," Peter Scolari, Sherman Hemsley, Tom Selleck, Fred Grandy, Malcolm Jamal Warner, George Peppard, Mr. T., Tony Danza, Bronson Pinchot, Ted Danson, and oh - I almost forgot my one foray into
straight sex: the girl from Jurassic Park.

Get over yourself,

- Jim

DepressingMildly amusingFunnyHysteriousLOL-APALOOZA!

No votes yet