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Metaman is iLaugh's resident movie "reviewer." He never actually sees any of the movies he's writing about, but he can usually get the gist of it from the Internet and whatever he overhears in the elevator. Who's got time to watch all that crap, anyway?

Upon hearing about the new movie Children of Men, I thanked my lucky stars that I — the world's least-informed critic — would never actually have to watch said film.

People, do we really need a sequel to the Arnold Schwarzenegger bomb Junior? Didn't that atrocity prove that pregnant men aren't funny, just gross? And what made them think Clive Owen of all people would be any better as the expectant man-mother-to-be? At least Arnie had his goofy accent to add some laughs. Clive just looks dark and dreary; didn't anyone tell him this is supposed to be a comedy?

Matter of fact, from the previews I saw at the theater — okay, downloaded — okay, watched on YouTube while eating a TV dinner with my bare fingers — I don't think they told anyone working on this film it's supposed to be a comedy. From what I could tell, the music and tone were dead wrong for the yukfest they're supposedly going for. It's all muted colors and apocalyptic landscapes...kind of like how I bet Apocalypto looks (which I can't watch because of the subtitles).

Michael Caine seems to be the only one cracking any smiles here, in his role as what I can only assume is the mad scientist impregnating all the dudes. "Why can't men have babies?" indeed! That line cracks me up. At least, I think that's the line...from my crappy laptop speakers it almost sounded like "why can't women have babies?" But they wouldn't put that in a comedy, because it wouldn't be funny. That would be downright terrifying!

Usually, when un-viewing these movies, I like to report on the word-of-mouth. Turns out people are saying this could be one of the best movies of the year, and it already has a lot of "Oscar buzz" around it. Unfortunately, that also means no one will see it until the Oscars are finished, so I haven't heard from anyone who's actually seen this flick. One has to wonder how a crappy sequel to a crappy movie has any "Oscar buzz." Either I'm not the world least-informed critic, or Hollywood's standards have dropped faster than President
Schwarzenegger's approval ratings!

So, basically, I'm guessing this movie will be two hours of men moping around, making unfunny, clichéd jokes about pregnancy, only we're supposed to laugh because this time the jokes are being told by men. Then we get to the final climax when Mr. Owen squeezes something the size of a watermelon out his urethra and presumably bleeds to death. Actually, I recommend you see it solely for that last scene I just imagined into existence. You can thank me later!