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In honor of White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan's sudden retirement, we here at LaughJournal decided to dig up something from the ol' archives: a transcript from a recent press conference, including Scotty's inner thoughts transmitted directly from his brain!

We now join duplicitous spokes-weasel McClellan as he deflects questions from journalists, already in progress...

Scotty: ...and we make sure that we have assurances
that people won't be tortured if - or before we render them to a
country. That's something that we place high priority on.

Brain: (Why the hell did I even get out of bed this morning. I am so not up for this.)

Scotty: Now, this is about protecting our citizens.
And all countries have an obligation to work together to do everything
we can within the law to ensure the safety and security of our people.

Brain: (Did I sound too defensive there? I gotta remember to not do that. My handler says I shouldn't...oh, shit. This guy.)

Q: Scott, one follow-up on that: Why not take them
back to U.S. soil if you are concerned that they not be tortured, where
you are under clear guidelines both of U.S. law.

Brain: (As if I actually had a clue about
official policy. If this guy knew what the "war room" was really like,
he'd piss his pants. Ain't nothing but a phlegm-yellow conference room
with a broken speaker phone and some empty donut boxes. We meet for 15
minutes between breakfast and our first coffee break, and the whole
thing is just awkward. Okay, where the hell was I...)

Scotty: Secretary Rice talked yesterday about the
Jackal and others that have been rendered previously and brought to
justice, and the importance of rendition as a tool that will - can help
us prevail in the war on terrorism. And we have to recognize...

Q: Render them back here?

Brain: (What the hell is he talking about? I am in way over my head here...)

Scotty: Hang on, no, hang on, I'm coming to your
question. We are in a different kind of war against a different kind of
enemy. This is an enemy that has no regard for innocent human life.
They don't wear uniforms. They don't report to a particular state or
nation.

Brain: ("Uniforms"?
Who the hell cares about uniforms? Where did that come from? Stick to
the script, Scotty. Don't let these glasses-wearing no-dicks derail
you. A few more minutes of this ass-kissery and then it's time for the
"I'm-just-not-gonna-talk-about-that-it's-classified" thing. Wow, it's
hotter than hell in here.)

Scotty: Now, in terms - you jumped in there a second ago, so I forgot the first part of your question I was coming to.

Brain: (Christ Almighty, I should have stayed
home today. I'm sweating like a goddamned pig in here. I can smell my
armpits. Smells like bad ham.)

Q: Why not - why not render them back to the United States where there is...

Scotty: Response to that - the way I would say -
respond to that is that we make decisions on a case-by-case basis,
working with other countries, in terms of where individuals are
rendered.

Brain: (Jesus, even I
don't understand what the hell I just said. I'm just coasting on my own
B.S. over here. God, I could use a Vicodin right about now.)

Q: What is the purpose of rendition, other than to
subject detainees to a degree of interrogation somewhat more difficult
than that which they would be subjected to in the United States? And
that being the case, what definition of torture does the United States
understand and accept?

Brain: (When exactly did these smug pricks start growing balls?
Doesn't the freakin' press secretary's position hold some weight
anymore? Everyone wants to be that fat-ass Michael Moore these
days...that's the problem. What a no-talent S.O.B. that guy is...am I the
only one who can see it? Uh-oh, people talking again.)

Scotty: The ones that are defined in our law and our international treaty obligations. We have laws...

Q: Then what's the purpose of rendition?

Brain: (Will you just shut the hell up?!)

Scotty:...so we adhere to our laws and our treaty
obligations, and our values. That's very important as we move forward
in conducting the war on terrorism.

Brain: (I hate this job, I hate this job. La-la-la-la, can't hear any of you pricks...)

Q: But if we are committed to international conventions against torture, what, then, is the purpose of rendition?

Brain: (Who are these people? Where am I? Why am I here? This is bullshit. Total bullshit. Why is it always just me
up here? By myself? Can't they bring up some other flacks to deflect
this? It's like one of those stupid-ass Nintendo games, where you're
the good guy, and you have to beat up a whole gang by yourself, but
they just keep coming and coming...they never die. God, I wasted so many
hours on that stupid game, and now I'm living it - the real-life, PR
equivalent of Bad Dudes.)

Scotty: Again, I'm not going to get into talking
about specific intelligence matters that help prevent attacks from
happening and help save lives. We will continue to work with...

Q:...there's more to be gained by interrogating these people outside the United States than there is inside.

Brain: (What does he think, I'm going to slip and say, "Yes, we torture people?" Jackass.)

Scotty: It depends. It's a case-by-case basis, Bill, and in some cases they're rendered to their home country of origin.

Q: But how do we know they weren't tortured? They claim they were.

Scotty: Well, we know that our enemy likes to make claims like that.

Brain: (Goddamn
raghead lovers all over this damn place...ooh. Okay, I just felt my
sphincter clench up something fierce. Okay, this thing has to end, now.)

Q: I want to go back to David's question about
whether or not the administration is looking into any new ways of
monitoring rendition activities in other countries that...

Brain: (Uh-oh. The groundhog has stuck its head out. There's not stopping this thing now.)

Scotty: I answered his question and I'm not going to...

Brain: (I'm going to shit my pants if I don't get to a bathroom in about three seconds is what.)

Q: You didn't answer that question, Scott.

Brain: (I can't do this right now. I just can't. I've gotta let go a Number Two so big I'm gonna name him Al-Zarqawi.)

Scotty: I'm not going to talk any further about it.

Brain: (What the
hell was in that cheese danish this morning? Jumpin' Jehoshaphat, that
sonofawhore is doing one mean number on my insides. Feels like
someone's playing bumper cars up in my gut.)

Q: So there's no monitoring - so there's no mechanisms, no monitoring after...

Scotty: Well, I've told you why. And I think the
American people understand the importance of protecting sources and
methods and not compromising ongoing efforts in the war on terrorism,
and that's why I'm just not going to talk about it further.

Brain: (Great, I think I just pinched off a piece. I can feel it in my underpants. Oh, Lord have mercy.)

Q: The question you're currently evading is not about an intelligence matter.

Brain: (You bitch. You bitch.)

Scotty: You've had my response, Bill. Go ahead.

Brain: (Oh God, make it stop. Someone please bail me out. You people have to have something better to do. Go home. Please.)

Q: If the countries to which we are rendering
detainees are not torturing, are we to conclude that they have some
technique that is, in fact, more successful in gaining intelligence
than the United States?

Brain: (I'm a
38-year-old man. I take orders directly from the President of the
goddamned United States. And I just crapped my pants on national
television.)

Scotty: No, I didn't say anything - I didn't say anything to suggest that...

Brain: (My lower intestine is going to effing explode here!)