The antidote for “unfunninessoscity”
Recently, President W. Bush spoke about the danger of Climate change in his State of the Union address. Apparently, this make-believe theory of "Global Warming," once confined to the science-fiction writings of authors like Al Gore and 99 percent of all the scientists on Earth, has somehow become a reality.
In fact, it has become so real, the U.S. government has already come up with some interesting plans to combat this new threat.
One such plan is to send giant mirrors into space to block the sun's rays from hitting us, according to a new report. Now, when I first read this, I became angry. Clearly the U.S. government was stealing this idea from Futurama or The Simpsons, while we here at iLaugh.com feel that stealing ideas from these shows is our job.
But after thinking about it, I realized it could have been much worse. At least the report didn't suggest anything crazy, like accepting that silly Kyoto Accord to reduce greenhouse gases. Seriously, what do treehuggers have against greenhouse gases? How else are we going to power our greenhouses to grow more of their precious trees?
And in case sending thousands of square miles of mirrors into orbit to cover us like a giant beach umbrella proves difficult, fear not! The government has a backup plan. Instead of a giant mirror, they could, in their own words, have "reflective dust pumped into the atmosphere" to reflect the light from the sun. I like this idea better. First off, it saves us a lot of fuel, not having to rocket all those mirrors into space. Secondly, we don't have to worry about the mirrors breaking, because they've already been crushed into a fine powder! Think about it: tons of glass shards drifting happily through the stratosphere — it'd be like having the entire world covered in the same cooling, shade-providing smog Los Angeles enjoys every summer. What an age we live in! I just wish my uncle Bob was still here to see it; unfortunately, he died of bleeding lung syndrome working at a Fiberglas insulation factory.
Now, some scientists are saying we shouldn't rush into blotting out the sun and plunging the Earth into eternal — well, not darkness, but eternal overcastness — without first considering the unexpected side effects. Yeah, well, it'd be nice if we had the time to come up with some smart-ass plan, but the government says that global warming is an imminent threat, so we have to rush in and fix it as quickly and simply as possible — just like we did with Iraq!
Maybe if these eggheads had done some research, they could've warned us about this global warming thing earlier. It's not like anyone was blocking their progress or sending out false reports to discredit them. Why, if wasn't for Bush warning us, we'd be completely unaware of the danger!
His warnings seem to have reached other countries as well. Already I've heard of North Korea and Iran working on a project to create a "Nuclear Winter," as a solution to this global warming debacle. Pretty sweet deal. So rest easy out there, folks! Climate change might now be officially real, but the world's top minds are on it!