iLaugh.com

ENGLAND (JOLLY, OLD) - Illusionist David Blaine today set the Guinness World Record for Jackassery, after announcing his intentions to perform another pointlessly dangerous stunt in Piccadilly Circus later this month.

Blaine — known for his public stunts in which he irritatingly manages to avoid death — attracted attention last summer when he chose to sit atop a 100-foot (30.5-meter) pole for 100 hours (96 metric hours) inside a plastic box above the river Thames, while wearing diapers.

Though his most recent not-really-magic act — last summer's teasingly named "Drowned Alive" — was a widely denounced failure, Blaine reentered the spotlight last Monday when he announced his intention to carry out a new stunt this weekend, dubbed "Hung By My Scrotum."

Shortly following the announcement, Blaine was contacted by a representative of the Guinness Society and awarded the first annual prize for "Being a Complete F**king Jackass."

"I'm really humbled and honoured tugget thppprrzz for thiiifzzzll nnammnnaahhmm..." Blaine slurred in his characteristically unintelligible, nasal murmur, his bleary eyes half-closed in an expression somewhere between aloofness, intoxication and brain-death. "Aaa'm fljjjinnill wizzluzznnmph haahhhhhhhghhhrrrr."

While no Blaine fans were available to comment on the surprise announcement — largely due to their nonexistence — commentators had plenty to say.

"F**k me, mate," remarked Samuel Mapforth of Wolfhampton, "Could've roused up a bit more enthusiasm, couldn't he? I mean, this is the world bleedin' record we're talking about ‘ere! What a f**king tit he is. Cor, I ‘ope he dies this time."

Meanwhile, other public figures were incensed over the validity of the prize itself. A coalition of other known super-jackasses, including such public figures as Johnny Knoxville, Justin Timberlake, Carrot Top and Donald Trump, recently formed a group called The Coalition of Known Super-Jackasses (CKSJ) in protest. They claim the awarding was premature and that others should have been considered for the prize.

Guinness spokesperson Katarina Rusdifa disagreed.

"Gimme a freaking break," she exclaimed. "Carrot Top? What's that jag-off done lately? And Trump? He's really more of an ‘asshole,' really. I mean, I could give him that: ‘World's Biggest Asshole.' You know, if he wanted it."

When asked if rival illusionist Criss Angel could have been considered for the prize, Rusdifa shrugged, "Well, he does have a pretty queer name and all. But he's going to have to step up the ass-jackery if he wants to be in the same league as Blair. That whole goth thing he's got going is a good start, though."

Other commentators pointed out the dubious nature of the honor. An Internet poster to Guinness' web site, stuffybrit1066, wrote, "Jack-arse? That's not quite a good thing, is it? Seems a bit of a tag one would make pains to avoid, innit? Not quite summat to be boasting about exactly, innit then? Know what I mean? Know what I mean, guv? Innit, guv?"

(The comment was later deleted, thought to be a fake and insulting mockery of British colloquial speech.)

Despite the controversy, Blaine will continue to carry out his stunt. At Piccadilly Circus today, workers watched in disgust as a cage filled with scrotal hooks was erected in the popular square, surrounded by posters of an intensely staring Blaine.

"Wow," remarked one passer-by. "I've used the term ‘complete jackass' in my day, but no one is as complete — in the sense of self-realized, or consummate — as this sorry excuse for a human being that is Mr. Blaine."

The man then sighed, flipping off one of the posters. With two fingers. You know, in a "V" shape, not just the middle one. Because that's what they do in England. That's where this story was written. England.