iLaugh.com

I was shocked to find out that Park Services at the Grand Canyon are no longer allowed to tell visitors how old the Canyon is or how it was created, thanks to pressure from religious fundamentalists who believe the Canyon was created around 6,000 years ago by Noah's flood.

"In order to avoid offending religious fundamentalists, our National Park Service is under orders to suspend its belief in geology," stated Public Employees for Environmental Responsibility executive director Jeff Ruch. I, for one, was flabbergasted at this turn of events. Finally, a government agency being sensitive to people's beliefs, instead of all that "millions of years of erosion" nonsense. Finally, my faith has earned some respect!

Now, I'm not a creationist, at least not in the traditional sense. I certainly don't believe the world is only 6,000 years old. But I do think the creationists' hearts are in the right place; they're simply unaware of the real divine truth known only to me and few others.

The truth is, the world was created precisely three minutes ago — about the same time you started reading this article! Everything and everyone around you has just been materialized by God Almighty a few moments earlier. Amazing, isn't it?

Now, I hear some of you saying, "But, I'm not three minutes old, and I have a lifetime of memories to prove it!" Well, I'm sorry to say all those memories were put there by SATAN to make you doubt the miracle of our brand-new reality and God's glory! Oh, I'm sure some of the (newly born) scientists out there are already gathering a mess of bogus research, saying how we all started out as children, pulling out doctored baby photos or digging up ancient scrolls at the local magazine stand as "proof" that mankind existed yesterday — or even a month ago! Well, it's all Devil talk, so don't listen to it!

What do scientists know anyways? Are you going to listen to someone who's not even ten minutes old yet? You wouldn't take ontological advice from a newborn baby...would you? They've been here only about five minutes, according to this nifty Timex watch that God — the Prime Watchmaker — has seen fit to form into existence upon my left wrist.

Anyways, this incident at the Grand Canyon (which didn't really happen, since this website is dated December 28 — almost a month before time existed) sets a precedent for government agencies to accept all religious points of view, which is an excellent progression. So I would like to take this opportunity to remind one particular agency — the I.R.S — that since existence has only been around a couple minutes, I didn't actually work at all last year. That means any undeclared income you see in my bank account was put there directly by God, so hands off, you greedy Satanists!

Bonus video: Kirk Cameron from the (nonexistent) ‘80s sitcom Growing Pains and some Australian dude discuss the natural history of tropical fruit. With commentary!