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A Treatise on the Value of Big Brothers

By Dr. Angst, Angstorian

Big brothers must be the most underappreciated group of people on the planet. When people say “Big Brother,” it usually conjures up such negative connotations, like 1984, video surveillance and that creepy bastard who used to kick your ass when Mom wasn’t looking.

But big brothers are so much more than that — they serve the all-important purpose of making younger brothers stronger. It makes them strive to someday achieve the impossible, if only to get revenge on the world…a cruel, unforgiving world that gave them an older sibling who used to handcuff him to the stairwell, tie his disgusting, sweaty jockstrap around his face like a gas mask and post pictures of it all over his high-school locker. That prick.

But the negative undertone of the “Big Brother” label suggests that this oppressive individual serves only himself, in lieu of the underprivileged younger brother. But is this not just the natural order of things? Who are we to go against our biological destiny?

Let’s face it: little brothers exist to be picked on and nothing else. I myself have a little brother and I picked on him constantly. It was definitely some sort of primal survival thing, but it worked out for both of us. Well, for me, anyway…his psychiatric bills these days are through the roof, but at least he stopped cutting himself. So that’s good.

Anyhow, point is this: Big brothers are there for a reason and we should be sensitive to their need to oppress us. They don’t get nearly enough credit for what they do, and you ought to give them their respect. Also your lunch money, you little pissant.

Bottom line, if big brothers are allowed to freely oppress their younger siblings, it’s going to eventually make them stronger, faster, more efficient and less susceptible to bruising. How do you make your bones stronger, after all? By snapping them in half like the crappy model airplane they worked on all day, and letting those bones heal and calcify into rock-hard, slightly abstract shapes.

Someday they may challenge Big Brother, but by then, through the miracle of modern surgery, Big Brother can become Big Sister…but that’s a whole other story.